Monday, January 17, 2011

Losing My Soulmate

JR and I had been together for over a year. It was a long-distance relationship, me in Seattle, him in DC. For the last month, maybe a little less, JR and I have been having problems. He’s distant, busy, unable to be reached. It was the holidays. I was stressed. He was stressed. Every time we’d fight he’d convince me not to give up. And I’d stay...he made me smile like no one else in the world can make me smile so of course I'd stay.

Then last weekend. I’d been fighting with my parents, moving apartments, sick, and had just learned some devastating news. I needed my boyfriend. I couldn’t get in touch with him. We went most of the weekend with no calls, no texts, nothing. End of Monday I was pissed and ready to call it off. In fact I pretty much said “I’m done” to him. He begged over text, “give me until tomorrow. I’ll call tomorrow. I’ll make this alright.” I gave him until tomorrow but warned him my anger over the situation wasn’t going to get any better.

He called the next day saying he knew he messed up but that it was all for me. He was working on taking extra classes so he could finish school up faster and get to me soon. The explanation contained a lot of generalizations but I told him okay and that we could still try. He promised to be better attentive to me. To not let me down again. But I warned him that my walls that he worked so hard over the past year to breakdown, were back up. He said he loved me and I only replied with “I miss you”. He knew the words “I love you” were very difficult for me and that he’d have to work back up to hearing often. Earlier in the conversation I had told him he was the only man I ever loved or ever would lover. That was the truth then and is the truth still.

Wednesday morning I was fighting with my unexpected news and the new apartment. I hadn’t mentioned any of my new stress to him, the result of my walls going up. By the afternoon I was on the verge of breaking down the walls myself and saying that the distance I was putting up was too much and I wanted us back the way we were. I needed my best friend. I needed JR. Instead my mother called.

She said that there was something she had to tell me but didn’t want to. She said I was dealing with too much and that she didn’t want to put anymore on me but she had to tell me. My sister, Megan, had called her in tears earlier that day. While my sister had been playing around on the internet she was doing random Facebook searches on people. Something she does on occasion. For the first time she typed in JR’s name.

I knew he had a Facebook page and had checked it out very early into our relationship, back when I was doing a background check on him. I don’t remember checking his postings or his wall. Maybe if I’d looked closer it would have helped me avoid all of this.

Megan had found his page too but it had been updated and very recently. It showed a picture of him feeding cake to a bride. His status said “married” and the date of the wedding was listed as January 8, 2011. Three days earlier. When mom told me this shock hit and hit hard. There was a mistake. There wasn’t anyway this was possible. I hung up and called my sister.

I never use Facebook. I setup an account but that was about as far as I got. I had Megan walk me through finding his page over the phone. There it was. The picture was definitely him. The description, all his likes, everything, it was him. Shock and denial set in. I hung up with my sister and dialed him. Voicemail. I left a message saying he had to call me right away. He needed to explain something and he needed to do it now. He said he’d be more focused on me well he needed to be right now and call me. I texted him something similar.

I called my mom and started to cry, sitting on the floor rocking back and forth. I was crying and begging for it all to be untrue. After crying for awhile I told her I needed to go. I promised to call her back soon knowing she was worried. I kept calling. I called every 15 minutes, maybe more. The phone rang and rang and rang and then went to voicemail. I texted my friend Bill and cried to him. Nothing helped. The only thing that would help was hearing an explanation from him as to how it was all untrue.

I started drinking. The only person I talked to was Bill and JR’s voicemail. Eventually after throwing up I passed out. I didn’t sleep long. I was awake around 2 am. I knew he’d be getting ready for work. I started calling again.

The second call he answered. He gave me some excuse as to why he hadn’t answered the phone. Honestly I don’t remember the answer and really didn’t even listen to it. Crying I asked “you’re married?” He told me that yes, he had been married 2 years ago and that it was over. He’d been agonizing over the last several months as to how to tell me. That she was what was making it so hard to visit me and that she was one of the things he was sorting out before he moved to be with me. I cried through the whole conversation which couldn't have lasted more than 3 minutes before he told me he had to go but that we’d talk later.

I cried myself back to sleep.

I woke up with my alarm. I was so in shock that I didn’t shower and barely changed out of my pajamas. I arrived 20 minutes early for my 11 meeting. Standing in the lobby I started to gather my thoughts. I did a search of the wife’s name on Google from my phone. The 3rd search result down was their wedding announcement. The wedding had been that Sunday.

I had a moment of clarity and sent a text.

“You fucking liar. You were just married Sunday”. It was 11 a.m. so I figured he was still at work and I wouldn’t get a response until later. Within moments he responded. It was simple and direct. “Just say goodbye. I don’t want to hurt you with my lies anymore.” There were maybe 5 more texts exchanged with him calling himself an asshole and me saying I wish I’d never met him. Over a year together and I got dumped by text. Not even one scream or emotional tirade.

I have since gone back to his Facebook page and read his postings. He talks about how happy he is being married, giddy even. He talks about his excitement leading up to the big day. I started crying as I read this. But then I really lost it. He posted coming back from the Winter Classic about how his baby was trying to stay awake in the car ride home. He told me he went to the Winter Classic by himself as he could only get one ticket. Hockey is our thing. He calls me baby.

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