Closure

So today was the dreaded phone call.  The phone call that was supposed to give me “closure”.  I don’t know that it worked.  But then again I don’t know what closure feels like.

I think I’d be better off had he told me that it was all a game and he never loved me.  Instead he talked about how rocky his relationship with the new wife was and that I came into his life at an “off” moment.  That he never intended for it to go as far as it did.  That he realized he should have walked away earlier but couldn’t.  

I told him how much he had hurt me.  Or at least tried to put it into words.  Even though I had a list of things to tell him I still don’t think I got across what I wanted to.  I told him how he destroyed my future and warned him that drunk texts/phone calls were in his future.  But it doesn’t seem enough.

Some things he said did help.  He was engaged before he met me.  Silly I know but that does make a difference to me.  The idea of him proposing to her while spouting off how much he loved me turns my stomach.  Although him spouting off how much he loves me the day after his wedding turns my stomach as well.  That there were some of his friends who knew about me.  But other than that hearing that he loved me and part of him still did, didn’t make me feel any better.  All that tells me is he loved her more he picked her.  And that if she wasn’t in his life he would still be with me.  That tiny glimmer of hope.  The thought that maybe they’ll end and he will come back to me. As unrealistic as that is, it is still in my thoughts.

I didn’t get the closure I was looking for.  I’m still not angry with him.  And I am still telling his wife.