To My Future Self

I am taking a cue from a tv show and am writing myself a breakup letter. Its a letter to my future self to remind me of the reasons I do not want to go back to JR.

Dear future Kasha,

You don't want JR back. It will never work. He lives on the other side of the country and him moving here was only hopeful thinking on both sides. Other than hockey we didn't have that much in common. 

One major thing that we didn't have in common was church.  Its very important to him and to me its not.  He says he'd be okay with that but over time would he really be ok with me not being a part of one of the most important aspects of his life.  

I am needy and he overcommits.  He's let me down and not been there for me when I'm in crisis before.  Him being here wouldn't solve that problem.  In fact, believing all of our problems would go away because he would be here isn't realistic.  And going from a weekend with him to him living with me is a big step.  Especially for someone who values her privacy and alone time.

More importantly he lied to me for over a year.  He went out of his way to deceive me.  His family and friends didn't know anything about me.  I can't trust a single thing he said.  No amount of time is going to completely rebuild that trust. He knew what I'm like, how fragile trust is for me, how easily my world can be turned upside down and yet he still felt he could continue deceiving me and lie about our future.  He knew how much it meant to me and he either ignored or was oblivious to the fact of how hard it would affect me.  His words of you're strong enough were insulting.  If he was really in tune with me he would have been more concerned with how I'd take it. Of me cutting, or hurting myself.  He wasn't.

But the most important reason of all is that he picked her first. I would be his second choice.  I don't want to be alone.  I want love in my life.  But I don't want to be someone's second choice, their consolation prize.  I'd rather be alone than live knowing I am not what he really wants.

Sincerely,

Current Kasha

A Hockey Fan

I've decided I am looking for a hockey fan. This is important to me and not necessarily for the reasons most would assume. Yes I love the game but I am by no means a super fan.

One of the things I miss the most about my relationship with JR was talking about hockey. It was something we both loved and everything exciting that is happening, I want to share with him. It was a closeness that the two of us shared, just us two. Yeah he talked hockey with his friends but when he talked it with me the bond could be felt.

I also learned that it was a safety net. I am not the easiest person to be around at times. I am moody and very often under a cloud of bad memories and experiences.  When a subject came up in our conversation that I didn't think our relationship was ready for or that I just wasn't ready for, I could fall back on hockey. My over-sharing or conversely going silent on things had doomed many relationships. In this relationship hockey helped me work around that. "Where did those scars on your arm come from?" "Don't worry about that. Have you seen the drama over the Kolvy trade."  "Why can't I touch your back" "Did you hear that Crysby is out? Can they just keep him out?  I mean really what would be so bad about not having him back?"

Potential drama or an uncomfortable moment deferred. Deferred to when our relationship is stronger or when I am more equipped to deal with the answer.

I miss that relationship with someone. A friendship with depth but plenty of opportunities for safety without running.  Ideal.

Moving In and Moving On

Tomorrow the last items will be moved from my condo to my new apartment. No more condo. 

My new place is what I wanted. A fresh start. None of my ex's, former friends, or other less savory people occupying my history will know where to find me. 

Okay, its not exactly what I wanted. The idea was this place would be my fresh start with him. That everything I once knew was done and for the first time I was entering a new chapter in my life with someone I could rely on. I wouldn't be alone this time around. Freedom to someone, not away from someone.

Now its not that. I once again reinvent my life alone. I do have friends and family I can rely on during this, but at the core, I'm alone.

This has left me quite simply, lonely. It was bad enough adjusting to not hearing his ring tone or the constant texts that we sent all day. Now I really am jumping into a life that doesn't include him. I have to accept the fact that it will never include him.  Damnit I'm lonely.

Closure

So today was the dreaded phone call.  The phone call that was supposed to give me “closure”.  I don’t know that it worked.  But then again I don’t know what closure feels like.

I think I’d be better off had he told me that it was all a game and he never loved me.  Instead he talked about how rocky his relationship with the new wife was and that I came into his life at an “off” moment.  That he never intended for it to go as far as it did.  That he realized he should have walked away earlier but couldn’t.  

I told him how much he had hurt me.  Or at least tried to put it into words.  Even though I had a list of things to tell him I still don’t think I got across what I wanted to.  I told him how he destroyed my future and warned him that drunk texts/phone calls were in his future.  But it doesn’t seem enough.

Some things he said did help.  He was engaged before he met me.  Silly I know but that does make a difference to me.  The idea of him proposing to her while spouting off how much he loved me turns my stomach.  Although him spouting off how much he loves me the day after his wedding turns my stomach as well.  That there were some of his friends who knew about me.  But other than that hearing that he loved me and part of him still did, didn’t make me feel any better.  All that tells me is he loved her more he picked her.  And that if she wasn’t in his life he would still be with me.  That tiny glimmer of hope.  The thought that maybe they’ll end and he will come back to me. As unrealistic as that is, it is still in my thoughts.

I didn’t get the closure I was looking for.  I’m still not angry with him.  And I am still telling his wife.