I shouldn't be here anymore.

Damaged

I'm so damaged that complete strangers can tell.

I FAILED

I failed the crazy test. I was medicated at correct doses, not drunk at all, just being me and you could tell. They ran. I failed the crazy girl test. If I am scary crazy on a good day...this just isn't going to go well.

I can't keep up sane like this if this is how the world will react to me. Despite all the lies and the faults he was the only one who could pull me back to the real world and he's just gone. I'm left alone with the crazy.



Scariest thing - they haven't even begun to see crazy. And I don't want to go there. I really don't but if I'm avoided and left alone because I am the crazy girl, that is exactly where I will end up. 




Crazy girl - fail
Life           - fail

Coming Back

He's not coming back, is he?

I hate you

I hate you because this is the worst time in my life and you aren't here for me. You promised to be there for me and you aren't. You are a bad person. Any part of you that tells you otherwise is lying. No good person would do to me what you have. And believe me I know bad people.

Evenings

Evenings are the hardest. I miss you the most in the evenings.

The Stupid Little Things

Everyday I wake to a number of things that remind me of you.  The fun part - each day its something new. Vacuuming did it today. No idea why. But it made me think of when you called her your "wife" in our last conversation.

I can't keep doing this. I used to be a strong person but I'm not anymore. I'm tired and I'm lonely.  I've stopped eating again. I can't keep doing this.

To My Future Self

I am taking a cue from a tv show and am writing myself a breakup letter. Its a letter to my future self to remind me of the reasons I do not want to go back to JR.

Dear future Kasha,

You don't want JR back. It will never work. He lives on the other side of the country and him moving here was only hopeful thinking on both sides. Other than hockey we didn't have that much in common. 

One major thing that we didn't have in common was church.  Its very important to him and to me its not.  He says he'd be okay with that but over time would he really be ok with me not being a part of one of the most important aspects of his life.  

I am needy and he overcommits.  He's let me down and not been there for me when I'm in crisis before.  Him being here wouldn't solve that problem.  In fact, believing all of our problems would go away because he would be here isn't realistic.  And going from a weekend with him to him living with me is a big step.  Especially for someone who values her privacy and alone time.

More importantly he lied to me for over a year.  He went out of his way to deceive me.  His family and friends didn't know anything about me.  I can't trust a single thing he said.  No amount of time is going to completely rebuild that trust. He knew what I'm like, how fragile trust is for me, how easily my world can be turned upside down and yet he still felt he could continue deceiving me and lie about our future.  He knew how much it meant to me and he either ignored or was oblivious to the fact of how hard it would affect me.  His words of you're strong enough were insulting.  If he was really in tune with me he would have been more concerned with how I'd take it. Of me cutting, or hurting myself.  He wasn't.

But the most important reason of all is that he picked her first. I would be his second choice.  I don't want to be alone.  I want love in my life.  But I don't want to be someone's second choice, their consolation prize.  I'd rather be alone than live knowing I am not what he really wants.

Sincerely,

Current Kasha

A Hockey Fan

I've decided I am looking for a hockey fan. This is important to me and not necessarily for the reasons most would assume. Yes I love the game but I am by no means a super fan.

One of the things I miss the most about my relationship with JR was talking about hockey. It was something we both loved and everything exciting that is happening, I want to share with him. It was a closeness that the two of us shared, just us two. Yeah he talked hockey with his friends but when he talked it with me the bond could be felt.

I also learned that it was a safety net. I am not the easiest person to be around at times. I am moody and very often under a cloud of bad memories and experiences.  When a subject came up in our conversation that I didn't think our relationship was ready for or that I just wasn't ready for, I could fall back on hockey. My over-sharing or conversely going silent on things had doomed many relationships. In this relationship hockey helped me work around that. "Where did those scars on your arm come from?" "Don't worry about that. Have you seen the drama over the Kolvy trade."  "Why can't I touch your back" "Did you hear that Crysby is out? Can they just keep him out?  I mean really what would be so bad about not having him back?"

Potential drama or an uncomfortable moment deferred. Deferred to when our relationship is stronger or when I am more equipped to deal with the answer.

I miss that relationship with someone. A friendship with depth but plenty of opportunities for safety without running.  Ideal.

Moving In and Moving On

Tomorrow the last items will be moved from my condo to my new apartment. No more condo. 

My new place is what I wanted. A fresh start. None of my ex's, former friends, or other less savory people occupying my history will know where to find me. 

Okay, its not exactly what I wanted. The idea was this place would be my fresh start with him. That everything I once knew was done and for the first time I was entering a new chapter in my life with someone I could rely on. I wouldn't be alone this time around. Freedom to someone, not away from someone.

Now its not that. I once again reinvent my life alone. I do have friends and family I can rely on during this, but at the core, I'm alone.

This has left me quite simply, lonely. It was bad enough adjusting to not hearing his ring tone or the constant texts that we sent all day. Now I really am jumping into a life that doesn't include him. I have to accept the fact that it will never include him.  Damnit I'm lonely.

Closure

So today was the dreaded phone call.  The phone call that was supposed to give me “closure”.  I don’t know that it worked.  But then again I don’t know what closure feels like.

I think I’d be better off had he told me that it was all a game and he never loved me.  Instead he talked about how rocky his relationship with the new wife was and that I came into his life at an “off” moment.  That he never intended for it to go as far as it did.  That he realized he should have walked away earlier but couldn’t.  

I told him how much he had hurt me.  Or at least tried to put it into words.  Even though I had a list of things to tell him I still don’t think I got across what I wanted to.  I told him how he destroyed my future and warned him that drunk texts/phone calls were in his future.  But it doesn’t seem enough.

Some things he said did help.  He was engaged before he met me.  Silly I know but that does make a difference to me.  The idea of him proposing to her while spouting off how much he loved me turns my stomach.  Although him spouting off how much he loves me the day after his wedding turns my stomach as well.  That there were some of his friends who knew about me.  But other than that hearing that he loved me and part of him still did, didn’t make me feel any better.  All that tells me is he loved her more he picked her.  And that if she wasn’t in his life he would still be with me.  That tiny glimmer of hope.  The thought that maybe they’ll end and he will come back to me. As unrealistic as that is, it is still in my thoughts.

I didn’t get the closure I was looking for.  I’m still not angry with him.  And I am still telling his wife.

Losing My Soulmate

JR and I had been together for over a year. It was a long-distance relationship, me in Seattle, him in DC. For the last month, maybe a little less, JR and I have been having problems. He’s distant, busy, unable to be reached. It was the holidays. I was stressed. He was stressed. Every time we’d fight he’d convince me not to give up. And I’d stay...he made me smile like no one else in the world can make me smile so of course I'd stay.

Then last weekend. I’d been fighting with my parents, moving apartments, sick, and had just learned some devastating news. I needed my boyfriend. I couldn’t get in touch with him. We went most of the weekend with no calls, no texts, nothing. End of Monday I was pissed and ready to call it off. In fact I pretty much said “I’m done” to him. He begged over text, “give me until tomorrow. I’ll call tomorrow. I’ll make this alright.” I gave him until tomorrow but warned him my anger over the situation wasn’t going to get any better.

He called the next day saying he knew he messed up but that it was all for me. He was working on taking extra classes so he could finish school up faster and get to me soon. The explanation contained a lot of generalizations but I told him okay and that we could still try. He promised to be better attentive to me. To not let me down again. But I warned him that my walls that he worked so hard over the past year to breakdown, were back up. He said he loved me and I only replied with “I miss you”. He knew the words “I love you” were very difficult for me and that he’d have to work back up to hearing often. Earlier in the conversation I had told him he was the only man I ever loved or ever would lover. That was the truth then and is the truth still.

Wednesday morning I was fighting with my unexpected news and the new apartment. I hadn’t mentioned any of my new stress to him, the result of my walls going up. By the afternoon I was on the verge of breaking down the walls myself and saying that the distance I was putting up was too much and I wanted us back the way we were. I needed my best friend. I needed JR. Instead my mother called.

She said that there was something she had to tell me but didn’t want to. She said I was dealing with too much and that she didn’t want to put anymore on me but she had to tell me. My sister, Megan, had called her in tears earlier that day. While my sister had been playing around on the internet she was doing random Facebook searches on people. Something she does on occasion. For the first time she typed in JR’s name.

I knew he had a Facebook page and had checked it out very early into our relationship, back when I was doing a background check on him. I don’t remember checking his postings or his wall. Maybe if I’d looked closer it would have helped me avoid all of this.

Megan had found his page too but it had been updated and very recently. It showed a picture of him feeding cake to a bride. His status said “married” and the date of the wedding was listed as January 8, 2011. Three days earlier. When mom told me this shock hit and hit hard. There was a mistake. There wasn’t anyway this was possible. I hung up and called my sister.

I never use Facebook. I setup an account but that was about as far as I got. I had Megan walk me through finding his page over the phone. There it was. The picture was definitely him. The description, all his likes, everything, it was him. Shock and denial set in. I hung up with my sister and dialed him. Voicemail. I left a message saying he had to call me right away. He needed to explain something and he needed to do it now. He said he’d be more focused on me well he needed to be right now and call me. I texted him something similar.

I called my mom and started to cry, sitting on the floor rocking back and forth. I was crying and begging for it all to be untrue. After crying for awhile I told her I needed to go. I promised to call her back soon knowing she was worried. I kept calling. I called every 15 minutes, maybe more. The phone rang and rang and rang and then went to voicemail. I texted my friend Bill and cried to him. Nothing helped. The only thing that would help was hearing an explanation from him as to how it was all untrue.

I started drinking. The only person I talked to was Bill and JR’s voicemail. Eventually after throwing up I passed out. I didn’t sleep long. I was awake around 2 am. I knew he’d be getting ready for work. I started calling again.

The second call he answered. He gave me some excuse as to why he hadn’t answered the phone. Honestly I don’t remember the answer and really didn’t even listen to it. Crying I asked “you’re married?” He told me that yes, he had been married 2 years ago and that it was over. He’d been agonizing over the last several months as to how to tell me. That she was what was making it so hard to visit me and that she was one of the things he was sorting out before he moved to be with me. I cried through the whole conversation which couldn't have lasted more than 3 minutes before he told me he had to go but that we’d talk later.

I cried myself back to sleep.

I woke up with my alarm. I was so in shock that I didn’t shower and barely changed out of my pajamas. I arrived 20 minutes early for my 11 meeting. Standing in the lobby I started to gather my thoughts. I did a search of the wife’s name on Google from my phone. The 3rd search result down was their wedding announcement. The wedding had been that Sunday.

I had a moment of clarity and sent a text.

“You fucking liar. You were just married Sunday”. It was 11 a.m. so I figured he was still at work and I wouldn’t get a response until later. Within moments he responded. It was simple and direct. “Just say goodbye. I don’t want to hurt you with my lies anymore.” There were maybe 5 more texts exchanged with him calling himself an asshole and me saying I wish I’d never met him. Over a year together and I got dumped by text. Not even one scream or emotional tirade.

I have since gone back to his Facebook page and read his postings. He talks about how happy he is being married, giddy even. He talks about his excitement leading up to the big day. I started crying as I read this. But then I really lost it. He posted coming back from the Winter Classic about how his baby was trying to stay awake in the car ride home. He told me he went to the Winter Classic by himself as he could only get one ticket. Hockey is our thing. He calls me baby.

My Old Apartment

There is still a lot at my old apartment. Despite the hours packing and moving and the moving truck and relatives it didn’t all get packed let alone moved but I have some time to work on that. Today was going to be one of those days. My plan was run out to the old apartment load up the car with stuff and then head to the new apartment and drop it off before running a few much needed errands and then returning to my sister’s. The idea has my stomach in knots.

My new place was to be the start of beginning. I specifically kept in mind JR moving here with every apartment I looked at. It was going to be “our” home. Not my place that he visited like my old place. Him being a chef, I took into consideration the kitchen. And space was an issue, I wanted enough room that he could bring all of his stuff with him and it really be “our” home.

Now none of that matters. My new home is the start of a beginning. The beginning of being without the man I love.

The old apartment which I was more than happy to get rid of now has more meaning. He cooked for me in that kitchen, we played video games in that den, we slept on that bed (I even have a new mattress). Everything tangible I have about him is in that place.

That’s a big part of the problem with a long-distance relationship. There was so little “tangible”. Now that I am the other woman I find myself flooded with doubts that we really existed at all. Letting go of that apartment is letting go of the one thing that says “yes he was here”.

Going back there, especially to move stuff out, is painful. More so than I’d like to admit. I don’t think I’m strong enough to do that today.